Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
never deleting this app.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.