Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
You Might Also Like
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
“TGIM!” – My liver
how long have you had this for?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu