Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
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They also CAN sing✌️
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Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*