Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
You Might Also Like
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless