Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
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I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
it was love at first sight
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
the prophecy has been fulfilled
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty