Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
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Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
how was your vacation
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.