Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.