Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over