Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.