wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
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I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses