Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.