Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

Self-cleaning conscience

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

Sign of the day..

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving