Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

Finally, an explanation.

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

The human personality is made of five key elements

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.