Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
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Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.