Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
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I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.