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Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

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The Chosen Phew

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”