lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
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If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I’m already scared
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.