[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
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If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Every BBC series about the universe.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!