[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Hmm, not sure about this change
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Goat cheese is for herders.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
