Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
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I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
omg leave her alone
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.