Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

I have never related to anyone more.

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.