Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

can’t wait til they legalize outside

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.