Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”