Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

His flabber was gasted 😂

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

buys donuts instead

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?