*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”![]()
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[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
the boss has a new hairpiece and i鈥檓 trying real hard not to laugh
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Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
True dat! 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
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*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
A cup of tea in the morning and I鈥檓 ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I鈥檒l start your day too.
I don鈥檛 always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they鈥檒l melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I鈥檇 ever share my wine with her.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 馃槍馃挱
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
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But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?