*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
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she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice