*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
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Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
British websites use biscuits.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football