Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

What if all the cashiers are married?

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

Wow 🤣

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*