[loses house key, starts a new life]
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The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Lmao 🤣
the red hot silly peppers
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore