Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
You Might Also Like
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Morning.
Steam Forums
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.