Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Loses house keys. Builds new house.
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
You only live once, so don’t forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Colonel Mustard. In the kitchen. Eating soup. Calm down.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”