@imOverlyManly

Loses house keys. Builds new house.

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@UncleDuke1969

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

@DothTheDoth

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

@chrisrockoz

You only live once, so don’t forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

@Hormonella

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

@ClichedOut

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

@XplodingUnicorn

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

@KatMcSnatch

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

@Wuttercuerk

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”