*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
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Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Blew out my flip flop…
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.