*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
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PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here