*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
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If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay