Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

i want to work in this restaurant