*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
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Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”