*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
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I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
it’s not been my year
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building