*loses you in a crowd*
finally
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What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
This is my brand.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.