losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
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It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Lmfao
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
nobody’s gonna understand
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.