losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
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hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
it’s not been my year
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.