losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
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Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
💻🤡
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take