losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
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Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
well this is just bullshirt
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
“It could be drugs,” I tell myself as I buy more books
We have a winner.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.