losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
You Might Also Like
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
this is the best day of my life
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement