losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
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friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.