Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

how much does a mortician urn in a year

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?