Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

Greeting humans vs their dogs

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show