Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
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Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be