Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
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me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.