Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
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Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?