Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????