[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
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1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
applying for a new job
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
Ovenable?
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.