[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
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It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
WHY would you be happy about this?
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Somebody call the cops.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.