[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
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If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
“We will wed,” I threatened
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend