[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
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I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???