“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
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Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
crochet youtube is brutal
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Need this in my life lol
