losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
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You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet