losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
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Me, flirting😏
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout