losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
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if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’