Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
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Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
knights of the ikea table
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately