Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
You Might Also Like
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
the answer was staring at me all along
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.