Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick