Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”