Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
meow
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”