Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
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I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
*looks at you in batman voice*
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
