Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
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17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.