Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
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me before I type out affect or effect
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I told my vodka about you.