Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
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5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
You learn something every day
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
A choir of Spring onions
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.