Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1660523451411730433/pu/vid/576x1024/_p9ZbRpZl9KJ3ZiW.mp4?tag=12

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet