Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried![]()
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Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
The glory of fall.
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Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
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Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Ah yes. The three genders
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“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish