Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
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me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids