Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
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This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I am a gravy boat captain
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.