Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
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Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
is it earth
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch