Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
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It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I triple waxed for this?
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.