@Fickle_Filly

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

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@DumbConfessions

*jumps from plane*

*forgets parachute*

*grabs onto flying squirrel*

*lives to tell the tale*

@maxlavergne

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

@trojansauce

got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball

@racheleklein

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

@therepoguy

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

@doublewenis

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

@JohnLyonTweets

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

@MelvinofYork

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again