Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
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If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…