Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
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[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
