Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
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all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.