lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
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Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink