Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

I remember when things only cost an arm.

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.